Delhi – The Yamuna river ecological study department (YRESD) released a statement Friday confirming unofficial reports that the last living fish in the Yamuna River has passed away. The fish in question, an undersized Carp affectionately named “Chul-buli Machhli” had been tagged and followed by YRESD scientists for years, and remains the last form of fish life they have detected in the River. Head YRESD ecologist Navjot Reddy says Chul-buli’s death proves the department’s heavily contested hypothesis that “dumping huge quantities of sewage into a river for a 100 years will eventually kill everything that lives in it.” Rather than mourn the death of the fish and river as a life supporting body of water Dr Reddy urges people to celebrate the life of Chul-buli, explaining that it was a miracle the fish survived at all for all those lonely years in an environment as “inhospitable as the moon.”

Chul-buli’s death and the official end of life in the Yamuna clears the way for the long awaited procedural move of reclassifying the body of water from a “River” to a “Sewage runoff”, a change which will bring many tax benefits to the various businesses in the surrounding area. One local businessman is relieved the change is finally coming, as he will no longer have to throw away the pesky “please stop dumping sewage in the river” notices that continually “overload his mailbox.”

YRESD is planning to reduce its staff by over 95%, with only the scientists specializing in bacteria staying since that is the only thing left to study in the Yamuna River/Sewage runoff. Dr Reddy worries about the dwindling professional opportunities in India for himself and his colleagues, admitting his last option might be join the hundreds of ineffective NGOS pretending they can save the Tiger.